Expectations about marriage have risen, Finkel wrote. People now want marriage to satisfy their financial, emotional and spiritual needs.

But while some people spend a lot of one-on-one time working on their marriage, and reap the benefits, most people spend less time, and things slowly decay.

The way we talk about marriage is polarizing, too. If you read the popular literature, there are three different but not mutually exclusive lenses through which to think about marriage decisions.

Most of the popular advice books adopt a psychological lens. These books start with the premise that getting married is a daunting prospect.

Forty-five percent of marriages end in divorce; 10 percent of couples separate but do not divorce.

The psychologists want you to think analytically as well as romantically about whom to marry. Pay attention to traits.

As Ty Tashiro wrote in "The Science of Happily Ever After," you want to marry someone who scores high in "agreeableness," someone who has a high concern for social harmony, who is good at empathy, who is nice.

You want to avoid people who score high in neuroticism — who are emotionally unstable or prone to anger.

Don't think negative traits will change over time, Tashiro wrote, because they are constant across a lifetime.

Don't focus on irrelevant factors, like looks. Don't filter out or rationalize away negative information about a partner or relationship.

The second lens is the romantic lens. This is the dominant lens in movie and song.

More than people in many other countries, Americans want to marry the person they are passionately in love with. Continue reading

• David Brooks writes on politics, culture and the social sciences for the New York Times.

"There's got to be something more than this!" This howl of discontent comes from Alex, a thirtysomething married executive, one of four Aussie males romping their way through Certified Male, the blokey comedy playing around Australia.

Alex rarely questions the 65-plus working hours he puts in each week. He's always agreed with his wife, Sam, that he has to work long hours so she can be there for the kids. Besides, she's got her charity work and, as she says, there's no point in her taking up a job just for the sake of earning money, is there? All her friends at book club totally agree.

But during the days Alex spends with his mates on a work retreat, his alienation in his marriage starts to surface. "I get into bed next to my wife and it's the loneliest place on earth." He determines he's going to have it out with her. Read more

Sources

• Bettina Arndt in Stuff
• Image: The Good Men Project

Bettina Arndt is an Australian sex therapist, journalist and clinical psychologist.