Of course, they feel threatened. Would a starving man feel threatened working with a chef?

I believe that the option of marriage for parish priests must come before the ordination of women in the Catholic Church.

I'll explain through question and answer, but first, an introduction to my own background.

My father was Scottish Presbyterian, my mother was Brethren. Jesus has always been a part of my life. I grew up in many churches, and found something in all of them, but ran out of space.

Catholic influence came through books and then through other people.

Eventually, I received instruction and entered the Catholic Church.

I had come home.

Five years later, my priest friend Terry Coles wanted to marry me.

Terry knew there were Anglican priests in my family, and he suggested we both become Anglicans.

I told Terry I had to remain Catholic.

We had support from Catholic clergy and Women Religious, but generally, laypeople seemed convinced we were going to hell.

Now I'd like to clear up some of the misinformation that is still out there.

Were the apostles celibate?

No. They were Jews, and marriage was important.

In 1 Corinthians 9:5, Paul writes: "Have we no right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles, the brothers of the Lord, and Cephas?" (RSV)

In the Jerusalem Bible, "woman" is described as a "Christian wife."

Cephas was Peter, who was in Rome when Paul's letter was written. I doubt that you will find any reference to Mrs Peter in the Vatican.

Why were the apostles' wives not mentioned in the Gospels?

For the same reason that electricity is not mentioned in modern books.

Marriage was taken for granted.

We must also remember that Jesus did not leave writings, and neither did the apostles. It was the followers of the apostles who recorded the stories handed down to them.

Was Jesus married?

Probably not. But he loved and respected women.

Nowhere in the Gospels does Jesus rebuke a woman for lack of faith.

We are told he had special friends in Martha and Mary and Mary of Magdala. When he was resurrected, he chose to appear first to Mary of Magdala.

Why would he say to her, "Do not touch me" if he wasn't accustomed to having her embrace him?

Women were not a part of Jesus' ministry

Really?

Let us read between the lines. Jesus' ministry began with his mother at the wedding in Cana. He thought he wasn't ready, but she knew he was ready.

Remember when Jesus believed that his ministry was to be to the lost children of Israel?

When he sent his disciples out, he told them not to go to Samaria or the Pagan Territories.

In Samaria, Jesus preached to Samaritans after his conversation with the woman at the well.

In the Pagan territories, he also preached to people after a woman challenged him to heal her daughter. We could say that both these women were instrumental in making his mission global.

In the Catholic tradition, priests have always been celibate

No. That is not true. Priests, bishops, and popes were married.

However, there came a time when Church property was being handed down to children. So the priesthood became celibate.

I suspect there is some truth in the saying, "The love of money is the root of all evil."

But priests need to be celibate to freely serve. They can't do this if they are looking after a family

My experience of other churches, especially the Anglican, tells me that the married priest has a spouse and family to help him or her in ministry. In Orthodox churches, celibacy is for the Religious. Parish priests must be married before they go into a parish.

Mistakes can happen, so one divorce is allowed, but not more than one. This seems to work.

But it costs money to raise a family. How would the Catholic Church cope with that?

How is the Catholic Church coping with payment for abuse cases?

If we walk away from nature, it will pursue us.

I know good men abused by priests when they were young, but they have not made this public because they love their Church. But what about those who have made claims? What has that cost the Church?

Do I think women will become priests?

Yes, I do.

Even in Biblical times, women were priests.

Miriam, sister of Moses, was made High Priest with Aaron.

St Paul mentions Phoebe, a woman who looked after several churches in Chencre. What do we call someone who looks after several churches? A bishop?

There will be women priests, but I think that marriage for parish priests must come first. My hope for this is with our compassionate and wise Pope Francis.

It is said that if a priest marries, the marriage will fail

That is political nonsense.

My husband Terry left his body six months ago. He was 92, and in 32 years of lovely marriage, I believe we have done more for our Church than we could have done separately.

Have I wanted to be a priest?

No.

My call is to the laity, and my heart lies with the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

I love the Catholic Church.

I love the beauty of our Faith, the messiness of our history, and that great mixture of the human and the Divine.

I am a year older than our Pope, and I will remain Catholic to the end of my last breath. But in the time left, I pray that I will see married priests.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

We are not told how he got the fish or given details of the preparation, but we can imagine silver fillets laid out on red hot stones and the air fragrant with breakfast.

Was everything back to normal?

No. The disciples, emptied by fear and grief at Jesus' crucifixion, are now being filled with something more than fish.

They are being moved to a larger, deeper place, and the Church, as we know it, will be born.

We meditate on that.

Earlier in the Gospels, we see the decimals as simple men attracted to Jesus, following him like someone would now follow a film star.

They squabbled amongst themselves as to who his favourite was, but they did not understand his teachings.

When their master was arrested, they fled.

His crucifixion found most of them in a locked room, afraid that they would be next.

But now, in the resurrection days, something different is happening.

The disciples, especially Peter, are being taken to a new place.

Jesus is handing over his ministry, promising that his Spirit will always be with them.

At Easter each year, we adopt this story and take it to ourselves.

We follow Jesus, seek understanding, sit by the cross on Good Friday and celebrate the resurrection on Easter Sunday.

Is it then back to work?

No, not really.

If we sit still in contemplation, we realise that the Sacred Spirit is cooking something for us.

It is more than breakfast.

Deep down, there has been some change that we can't describe, a call to come kind of newness.

I wait for it

My mind is concerned with looking after my body, so I need to go to my heart. It is filling with a sweetness that will eventually reach thought.

We all know this sweetness. We all connect with Gerard Manley Hopkins when he writes about the beauty in deep-down things.

In prayer, we can look at our own crucifixions and resurrections and realise that with Jesus, what is resurrected is always greater than what has died.

So now we are on the beach with Jesus. He has fed us and is moving us to some kind of ministry.

What is it?

I don't know what he is asking of me, but one thing is sure.

Easter is not over.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

It was going to be a personal retreat.

But it didn't happen.

There were too many wise men and women, too many shepherds. The angel song was loud and competing with commercial advertising, and the stable door was blocked with Christmas trees and tinsel.

Entry to a place of peace came on Boxing Day.

Was your Christmas also like that?

Then, like me, you are now reflecting on all that noise and messiness and finding with surprise that Jesus was being born in every part of it.

I should know by now that He doesn't conform to our rules.

Here we were, trying to find time to visit the stable, when He was out there in the streets, the shops, hospitals, pubs, homes and churches.

He travelled in planes. He visited prisons.

He was everywhere.

Looking back, I recognise the times my old heart melted with his newborn touch.

So now, I will list a few experiences and suggest you do the same.

You too, will have encountered him in unexpected places, so here are the pre-Christmas memories that I hold and treasure.

• Three primary schools sing waiata and do haka with beautiful enthusiasm. Some children are Maori, some Pakeha or Indian, Asian, Amercian. Their performance was professional. I was so pleased to see several politicians in the audience.
• A man on the street begs for money to take his dog to the vet. I don't think he has a dog, but he knows that passers-by are more sympathetic to dogs than to beggars. We talk for a while and I hear Jesus saying "The son of man has no place to lay his head."
• A teenager is playing her violin in the train station. She is playing carols. A mother with a child of about three years of age, has stopped to listen. The little boy is dancing to the music. I think, Did Jesus dance? Well, he does now.
• Two women bring lovely cloth placemats they have made. On each mat, there is the handprint of one of their children. Such treasure! The children will grow, but the mats will always portray them as I knewthem. I think of Jesus' hands at various stages, small, exploring his surroundings, healing others, breaking bread, and being wounded by nails.

Before Christmas, I needed to sort papers, including lots of letters from schoolchildren. One from a girl in California, asked all the usual questions.

• What is your favourite colour?
• What is your favourite food?
• The last question was the most interesting. Are you still alive?

That last question connected me to Jesus. Of course He is still alive.

The birth of the Christ child is in all of us.

We may not be aware of it but there will be times when we say, "Where did that cone from?" or
"Why do I feel this way?

It is then that we realise that Christmas is not a historical view of a holy child born in an animal shelter.

The birth is here and now, and we are all stables.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

Why such a lowly place?

Our views about status miss the message, and we must wrap this birth in splendour - angel song, an unusual star, three kings coming to bow before the child.

The wrapping continues until Jesus is lost under layers of Christmas trees, gifts and bearded Santas.

So this Christmas, let us let go of all the decoration and spend some time in wonder at the ordinariness of the Word of God made flesh.

Jesus knew who he was but never used that knowledge for self-aggrandisement. He identified with all things ordinary.

Like us, Jesus enjoyed good food and the company of friends.

I think that if he had written a gospel, it could be called "The Gospel of Table" so often are meals mentioned.

We know very little about Jesus' childhood. When he was 12, the age of maturity for a Jewish by, he left his patents to talk to some learned men.

The trouble was, he didn't tell Joseph and Mary, and they were distraught, looking for their lost son.

Does that echo with some teenage incident in our lives?

Let's look at other aspects of Jesus' humanity,

Jesus got angry with stupid and selfish people.

Jesus wept when he learned that his friend Lazarus had died.

Jesus got tired. One time he was so exhausted he slept in the bottom of the boat during a storm.

Jesus experienced loneliness. He said, "The Son of Man has no place to lay his head." I don't think he was talking about a pillow.

Through the Gospels we see growth in Jesus' experience. He had told his disciples not to go into Samaria or the Pagan territories because his mission was to the lost tribes of Israel.

Later, he talked with women in both those areas, leading him to preach to the people.

I feel that Jesus achieved full maturity during his ‘agony in the garden.' There, he accepted what was planned for him and did not try to defend himself

I grew up with the frequent reminder that Jesus died for my sins. I accepted that but also had the question, "Then why was he resurrected?' There had to be something more important than me swearing at my sister.

Jesus gives us the answer as part of the experience. What is resurrected is always greater than what has died.

So this year, I will leave the tinsel and Christmas cake to be with the Word of God-made Flesh. I want to journey through his humanity and humility, from his humble birth to his presence here and now.

Do you feel a part of that?

Look closely. You may recognise his presence in you.

• Joy Cowley is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, writer and retreat facilitator.

That is not possible at present, but I can give a written outline of the three sessions in that day.

You may wish to walk with Jesus through them.

The Child

As children we have limited life experience and tend to view the world through the eyes of parents and teachers.

Think about those early teachings. What is still important for you? What have you let go?

Now uncover the hurts you still carry from childhood:

The teacher who didn't understand you, the school bully, the man in the shop who served all the adults first, even though you were in front of the queue.

Some parents believe in he Biblical saying: "Spare the rod and spoil the child."

For self-protection, the child may tell lies, a habit of self-protection that can eventually become delusion and mental illness.

What are the hurts that you still carry from childhood?

How do you feel about them now? Do they affect the way you feel about yourself and others?

In this time of reflection, you may wish to see negative memories as unwanted baggage. Talk to Jesus about them and then lay those packages at the foot of the Cross.

You don't need to carry them. The resentment they cause adds to their weight.

If you lay them at the cross, it is likely that they will be resurrected as the thought: "I will never do this to a child."

The Adult

Maturity brings both freedom of choice and responsibility and sometimes the two are in conflict.

Jesus shows this is at the wedding in Cana.

His mother asks him to provide wine for the guests, and Jesus answers, "My time is not yet come."

But his mother knew he was ready.

Does this feel familiar?

How often did we have that feeling about a new situation? The Sacred Spirit in us wants to grow. The human self wants to be safe and sure.

These yes/no situations occur frequently throughout our life, and they are all about growth.

When I was a young, zealous Christian, I saw the world in black and white, evil and good.

That view has changed with experience. Now the world is a rainbow of growth, and everything seems to be either rejoicing or teaching.

In your time of reflection, try to pay attention to the tough times in your adult life. These can range from disappointments to perceived calamities.

How did they change your life?

Did you find yourself in a different place that was bigger, wiser, than before?

Let us look to Jesus again. What was resurrected was greater than that which had died.

Jesus, the Word made flesh, became the Word for the world.

When children want to know "Why did Jesus die on the cross?" my answer is, "So he could be everywhere at once."

Jesus makes the Easter story our own story.

Nothing can be poured into a cup that is already full. We get emptied in order to be filled with something new.

When we see Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection as parable for our own lives, we think of the woman who tended his body.

Who were the people who helped me in my "crucifixions?"

How have I helped people who have been "crucified."

I also reflect on the times I got stuck in the tomb with resentment, anger, bitterness.

In the wisdom years, I can laugh at my desire to project blame.

Sixty Plus

After sixty, the bits and pieces of experience begin to make sense. To use another metaphor, we are getting ready to graduate from God's Life School.

Accumulated teachings now make sense. We have passed exams.

If we have ignored tests, we see how they are repeated until we learn from them.

We have a teacher who does not give up on us. We may have called this teacher different names: conscience, guide, Holy Spirit, heart knowledge, the Word made flesh or superstition.

It doesn't matter what we name our teacher, only that we acknowledge that it is in us and it is positive.

If we are affected by a negative influence, we know we have grown beyond a caricature with horns and a tail. Negative thinking is part of our animal "me first" instinct.

That negative thinking disappears when we realise that our life has always been held in love that is beyond words.

Love has been our teacher, however, we have considered it at the time.

In the wisdom years, we grow comfortable with ourselves, which in turn makes us understanding of others.

With age there can be some physical discomfort, signs that the body is going into labour to give birth to the soul. But at the same time there is an increase in spiritual awareness.

We realise that bodily perception is quite limited.It exists in a greater realty we call God. Head knowledge may miss it, but Heart awareness and experience will reveal it.

If you are in the wisdom years you may become forgetful.

After a bit of research, I find that it is nouns that become elusive as we age. We don't forget verbs, adjectives or other parts of speech.

It's only names of things that disappear.

Why?

If we look at a world without nouns, we see a world that is undivided.

We are glimpsing the "wholeness." of creation.

Maybe that is preparation for the world to come.

Some of you, like me, are losing sight, but we are given other vision we can call seeing with the eyes of the heart.

If you are in your wisdom years, how do you see with the heart?

Let is finish this reflection with some words from Psalm 139.

Where will I go from your presence?
Whee will I flee from your presence?
If I go to Heaven you are there.
If I make my bed in Hell you are there.
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the depths of the sea,
Even there your hand will find me, and your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, surely the darkness will hide me.
The darkness and the light are the same to you.

I thank you, God, for I am wonderfully made.

• Joy Cowley is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, writer and retreat facilitator.

Perhaps that is because the experience is beyond our limited sensory system and, therefore, beyond logical thinking and description.

Yet we have all had experience of a "Thin Place" as something belonging to a greater reality.

Like you, I have felt this many times but am unsure whether the "Thin Space" belongs to me or something outside me.

Perhaps it's about both.

In Ireland, the thin space is so well known that no one tries to describe it. It seems that everyone walks with a foot over a spiritual border.

Here, we might use terms like "serendipity" or "coincidence," or we might shiver and call an experience "creepy" because we can't logically define it.

When we are older and able to track years of experience, we realise that the thin Space has always been close to our hearts.

We then dare to think that the great presence that we call God, has been steering our lives in an inexplicable way.

Where do you experience the Thin Space?

For me, it is mostly before Mass when the church is empty and silent.

The Thin Space is a preparation for the Mass, and it is held in prayer-soaked walls and the lives of people who are the church's history.

Is that an adequate explanation? No. But that's how I explain the connection I feel.

Priests are part of that feeling of history. Thousands of Masses are still there. It seems that they remain in the church.

I call it a feeling of "Isness".

But actually, it t is beyond words.

I have no language to describe this adequately, but maybe Jesus described it when he said, "I am with you always, even unto the end of the world."

If you are reading this, you may like to pause and reflect on the thin places in your life.

How often have you had an experience that you could not explain?

In retrospect, how do you now interpret that feeling?

When you are in a garden or walking through a forest, you may decide to empty your mind of busy thinking.

What happens?

Can you call that a Thin Place? And does the Thin Place get active?

How often have you had a need that has been met beyond expectation? What kind of need was it?

How has your understanding of the Thin Place changed as you have aged?

As our bodies get older and show signs of desiring to return to earth, so does the inner self grow stronger.

The teaching of youth has expanded to the knowledge of the adult, and that ripens as the wisdom of age.

The Thin Place is no longer thin.

It is now who we are in Christ.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

Being Cristian was a serious business.

I was so busy with self-correction that I often missed the beauty of Jesus in my life.

It seemed that every church I attended wanted to warn young people against the dangers of sin.

I suppose adults were trying to protect us, but I got caught in a net of self-examination.

What was the difference between exaggeration and a lie?

If I told my parents that my essay had got "excellent", would that be the sin of pride?

What about marriage and all that scary stuff? Could a woman have babies without having a husband?

This anxiety did not come from Catholic influence because, in those days, I was searching other churches.

But I have seen similar symptoms in earnest young Catholics.

I believe it comes from the young person's lack of experience.

At that age, we depended on adult guidance which, for the best of reasons, was largely negative.

Years later, I was determined that my children should not have adult guilt thrust upon them.

There was only one rule.

You can do anything you like as long as you don't hurt anyone. And the person on top of the "don't hurt list" is yourself.

Then we would talk about the various ways we could hurt ourselves and others.

That worked well when the children were very young, but eventually, their Dad and I had to agree that the only authentic instructor was experience.

That was true teaching.

As parents, our job was to provide encouragement and band-aids.

If we can use a parable to describe this, we can talk about "life school."

God puts us in "Life School" to grow, which we do through success and failure.

We are given tests, and when we fail. The test is repeated until we learn from it.

When we pass the test, there is a short vacation and then a new test comes along.

So how do we prepare our children for "life school?"

By letting them know that they are God's unique creations and are here to grow.

By convincing them that they are greatly loved.

By showing them that we learn with both the head and the heart.

By helping them understand that "sin" is not failure but teaching. Sin always has an indicator that points to what is right.

For parents, a good, honest memory is a valuable aid. We listen to our children.

We try not to preach and teach.

We accept that we all have growth spaces in our lives.

We know we are not alone. The Sacred Presence of Jesus is always with us.

So when do we graduate from "Life school?

Some people call that "Death." I prefer to see it as our" True Birth."

As we grow towards it, we can experience times of deep peace. The world, and everything in it, has spiritual meaning.

Age ennobles us to laugh at the seven deadly sins.

With age, we realise everything that has happened to us has been about spiritual growth. We have been prepared for the greater reality.

It is all meant to be, and it is all about love.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

A little girl had run back to her parents, shouting, "I just ate Jesus!"

Later, the child asked her mother, "How does Jesus get from our stomach to our heart?"

The mother replied, "Jesus can do anything."

That is simple truth.

Our memory tends to become a library of special events, and mine has kept the details of that day.

Jesus was in the radiant face of the priest.

Jesus was also in the warm laughter of the congregation.

He was in the child's statement, her question and the mother's answer.

Age brings us back to the simplicity of childhood, we look at the hills and valleys of life, and say Amen to everything that has happened to us.

We know that we grew with Jesus.

His birthday was the biggest event of the year. As wise men brought gifts to baby Jesus, so are his birthday gifts given to us.

We learned that Jesus loved children. He told his grumpy disciples that children were like the angels in Heaven.

Then, through Holy Communion, we knew that Jesus was within us, even though we didn't understand how that worked.

We felt different.

Growing up was difficult at times.

It was difficult for Jesus, too.

Did he die for our sins?

Well, that's how they thought in those days - sacrifice for atonement.

But with Jesus, something much bigger was going on.

Resurrection was bigger than crucifixion.

The holy man of Galilee died to be available to the world.

That's what the little girl in Singapore was celebrating.

That was the truth spoken by the mother.

It is also the truth of our lives with Jesus Christ.

Growth comes through our own crucifixions and resurrections, and Jesus is always with us.

The beauty of this relationship is expressed in the writing of Simeon the New Theologian (9099-1022). The following is translated from the original Greek by Stephen Mitchell.

We waken in Christ's body as Christ wakens our bodies, and my poor hand is Christ's.

He enters my foot and is infinitely me.

I move my hand, and wonderfully, my hand becomes Christ's, becomes all of Him ( for God is invisibly whole, seamless in His Godhead.)

I move my foot, and at once, He appears like a flash of lightning.

Do my words seem blasphemous?

Then open your heart to them and let yourself receive the One who is opening to you so deeply. For if we genuinely love Him, we wake up inside Christ's body, where our body, all over, every most hidden part of him, is realised in joy as Him, and He makes us utterly real.

And everything that is hurt, everything that seemed to us dark, harsh, ugly, irreparably damaged, is in Him transformed and realised as whole, lovely and radiant in His light, He wakens as the beloved in every last part of our body.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

But we all have that gift, whether we know it or not.

We call it projection.

A wise woman once told me: "Projection is the greatest evil."

However, projection can be positive.

Years ago, an Australian nun came to New Zealand for a retreat. She had with her a book of reflections I had written.

On the first day of the retreat, she talked about this book. We did not journey far.

On the second morning, she was still referring to the book, and I was getting annoyed.

Then the indwelling voice I know as Jesus made a suggestion.

I asked her, "Do you write?"

She said no, she didn't, then added that she wrote poetry as a teenager in school.

With a nudge from my inner friend, I asked her if she would like to write all her retreat reflections as poetry.

She looked animated, and that's what she did.

Those poems were so deep and clear, they were eventually published in Australia, and went into reprint.

This religious sister re-discovered her gift and I discovered that projection is a gift that acts two ways: as attraction or repulsion.

Either way, projection is all about growth.

What do I mean by that?

Let's look at negative projection. There is someone who irritates us, someone we put at a distance, someone we see as "wrong."

If I release myself of the judgemental attitude, I realise that another person has tapped into my shadow.

Every gift has a shadow.

I have good discernment and the shadow side is discernment is judgemental attitudes. I have to deal with that.

I've always been a maternal person, but when someone tries mothering me, my feathers get ruffled.

I am nor going to change the gifts I've been given, but I learn to see my shadow as my teacher.

Did Jesus have to deal with his shadow?

I think so.

He would need to, in order to be fully human. He was also fully divine and living a life of huge compassion.

In the Gospels, we see Jesus very critical of people who are self-centred and not compassionate.

But near the end of his life, he did not defend himself, and he came to the fullness of divinity and humanity in his last statement: "Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."

At the end of life, Jesus fully understood the blindness of his persecutor's projection.

When I was young, I was taught about "good" and "evil." Now I see that as "Blessing" and "Teaching."

Here I have dwelt on the "Teaching" side of projection because there is a lot of negative talk in the Catholic church today.

Why is this so?

Instead of seeing our shadow as a teacher, we want to project it out there on something or someone else

Why are we not writing about the radiant beauty of the church, that glorious mixture of the human and the Divine?

I don't know.

But when I witness the bickering that goes on in parishes, I wonder how that can attract people to our beautiful Faith.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

It's the sentence that lifts off the page.

It's a few spoken words that go directly to the heart.

We all have these experiences.

One gift that has stayed with me, came from an old Jewish rabbi.

He wrote: "It's a sin to read the Torah as fact. It is parable."

That came like a bolt of lightning to someone who read the Gospels as history and fact.

The clue was there in Matthew: "Jesus spoke all things in parables. Without a parable was not anything he said."

There it was. A statement made twice for emphasis.

But it took a historic rabbi to bring its importance to heart.

I don't believe reading the Gospels as history and fact is wrong. I would call that a "head" way of understanding.

It's when we read the Gospels as parable that we open our hearts to Jesus.

What we receive will be personal and absolutely right for the moment.

Like most of you, I have always celebrated Easter in the Church with fellow lovers of Jesus.

Good Friday is a time of sadness. Easter Sunday is resurrection and rejoicing.

The two events have separation in the tomb.

This year brought me an extra gift that I would like to share with you.

Covid was a blessing. It kept me housebound, just me, the cat and the crucifixion journey in all four Gospels.

It was a journey done with the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

With that, came the knowing that crucifixion and resurrection could not be separated.

They are a way of growth.

Jesus demonstrated that what is resurrected is always greater than what has died.

I thought of the desolate times in my own life, times when I seemed that everything I valued was taken from me.

Those situations were worsened by my inability to retaliate. To do so would have been against Christian principles.

I had times in the tomb.

Then resurrection came, and with it, the realisation that I was in a larger place.

You may wish to look at this in your own life.

When did your life seem to take a cruel turn?

When were your plans destroyed, leaving you helpless?

How did you feel?

Then what happened afterwards?

You may return to Easter and realise that Jesus did more than "die for our sins."

He demonstrated that he was "The way, the Truth and the Life."

And when he added, "No one comes to the Father except by me," he was not making a political statement. He simply told us that this was what God's life school is about.

He lived his life for us, and continues to do so.

If you doubt this, just take a close look at the beauty in your own growth.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

We might remember putting sounds to the letters of the alphabet and then trying to make those sounds into words.

We struggled.

We made mistakes.

Then what happened?

One day it all came together.

We could read, but we didn't know how it happened.

Those words held hands with each other to give us information.

Reading was like talking without noise.

I've spoken with many people about the way words seemed to suddenly come together to make meaning None of us knows how this happens.

We share the same childhood experience: we were struggling to understand words, and then suddenly, we could read books.

Maybe that's a good analogy or spiritual awareness.

For some of us, there is a time when we participate in the Mass, like children reciting the alphabet.

We know what to say.

We know what to do.

In between, we smile at the people around us, note that dear old Alf has shaved off his beard, and see that the family in the third pew have another child.

These observations happen while we recite words that are as familiar as our phone number and address.

However, Holy Communion is different.

That's the time when everything goes still.

Bread and wine come alive within us.

Somehow, they turn to light and that light is like a steady candle flame.

Then that moment is over.

There is movement. Announcements. The last hymn. Conversations on the way to the door. Hello and goodbye.

We go home with a collection of experiences, some big, some small. They rattle around in the mind.

One day it happens.

It all comes together.

We sit between prayer-soaked walls, hearing the words of the Mass with our hearts.

There is a sense of Oneness.

Our priest, our people, our children, our prayers and hymns, are all inside us.

They too, are all part of Holy Communion.

Everything has come together and the feeling of Oneness is so big, we don't want to name it.

But it feels like the 'Is-ness'of Jesus the Word made Flesh.

We take the feeling home with us, knowing it is gift.

And the gift will happen again.

We have learned to read the Mass.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

An angel spoke about the beauty of life on earth, but the little soul was reluctant to leave the place of perfection.

It told the angel, "I was told that incarnation has suffering and trial and something called darkness. I want to stay in this perfect place."

The angel smiled. "Perfection is complete. It has no room for growth. Little soul, you like it here, but you must go into incarnation if you want to grow."

"How will I grow?"

"You will grow through suffering to experience healing. The trial will bring triumph, and darkness will carry you into light. It is the tension between opposite states that brings growth. There is no other way."

The little soul said, "But what if I fail?"

"The Sacred Presence will be with you at every stage of your human journey," said the angel

"Everything that happens to you will be teaching to help you grow.

Then the angel smiled at the little soul. "You will know through it all that you are greatly loved."

That gave the soul some courage. It asked the angel, "How will incarnation happen?"

"A man and a woman have been chosen. They will give you a body, and you will come into the world to grow in life-school. In the early years, you will receive love and learn how to look after yourself."

"And then?"

"As you grow, you will be able to love and look after others That is an important stage of development."

The little soul was puzzled. "How can I remember all this?"

"You won't," said the Angel.

"Once you're in life school, you will have no memory for any of this. But I can assure you, you will have guidance all the way, and new stages of growth will keep coming to you."

"How do they come?"

"In many ways.

"Something new will be added to your prayer.

"You will make some discovery of faith that will change your view of the world.

"Occasionally, there will be a big change in which you are emptied so that you can be filled with something greater."

The little soul thought for a while.

This angel knew many things. "Have you been through incarnation?" it asked.

"Of course," the angel replied.

"All angels have. Even the Sacred Presence took human form."

"Really?"

"I celebrated his birth in the manger," the angel said. " I was sent to welcome him out of his tomb."

The little soul was silent.

The Sacred Presence was everywhere.

All things in the greater reality and on earth, had been created through the Sacred Presence. Why would it want to be made incarnate?

The angel knew what the little soul was thinking.

"It's all about love," it said.

"Love?"

"Yes, love.

"The Sacred Presence became incarnate so that the fire of his love could be everywhere on earth.

"When you go into incarnation you will recognise that spark of love because it will make its home in you."

"What will I do with that love?" asked the little soul.

The angel said, "Dear soul, you will fan it into a flame."

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

Then those players started tuning their instruments; the concert hall filled with discordant noise.

My granddaughter thought this was the first item.

The pain on her face was relieved when I explained what was happening.

We both settle back in our seats, and I thought we had just created an interesting parable.

We are all sacred instruments.

Each of us needs God's tuning so that we can be together in harmony.

What instruments were we in our parable?

Thoughts roamed through favourite instruments that reminded us of people we knew and we decided that an instrument on its own was inadequate. It needed company.

The richest sound came from a full orchestra well-trained and well-tuned. The music that held it together, celebrated all instruments.

And the conductor?

In my parable, it was Jesus.

It always is Jesus the Word made flesh.

That thought brought me back to the Gospel of Matthew and the words "Jesus spoke all things in parables…"

The NZSO had brought a meaningful parable about the work that goes into the harmony of the community.

How do I value each individual?

How do I regard my need for personal tuning?

I think of the gifts in my Parish, sacred instruments of different shapes and sounds, who come together in the oneness of Faith.

I name the string instruments, the mellow wind instruments, and the lively percussion groups, and offer a prayer of gratitude for the way we come together in the music of the Mass.

But what about a prayer of thanks for all the other parables in our lives?

Doesn't Jesus' example encourage us to find parables in God's creation?

A tree may look dead in Winter. Yet winter is preparation for the season of greatest growth.

How do we see that in our lives?

The wind blows across the sea. The shallow water is disturbed but out in the deep, only the surface is ruffled.

How do the winds of change affect my Faith?

The horizon appears to be a straight line with nothing beyond it. So it seems, does death.

Is death a limitation of vision? Is death actually about restored sight beyond death?

That brings me back to the orchestra. The concert is over. The instruments are silent, packed for another time and venue.

That reminds me that all music comes out of silence.

So it is with prayer.

Let us follow Jesus' example, and find our own parables in God's creation They are usually exactly what we need for the moment.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

The Christ child is sleeping in the arms of his mother. The silence that gathers around them ushers in a new world.

Mary is not aware of this, but we who have the benefit of hindsight know how this child will change humanity.

But what of his mother?

How will this birth change her?

How does her life affect us?

Although the writers of the Gospels don't stay with Mary, there are a few scenes we can put together.

In sequence, they reveal not only Mary's life, but also our own.

Mary's "yes" to God is also ours.

Remember how bewildered she was?

She was young and didn't know what the angel meant.

We, too, were young.

Maybe there was hesitation. Uncertainty. Were we doing the right thing?

It felt right, but some people might laugh at us, and call us "Jesus freaks."

However, we also knew good people who have God in their lives, and we trusted them.

In the end, it was about us.

We had a "yes" inside us, and that's what we said.

Male or female, we became pregnant with God, in our own way giving birth to Christ in the world.

In the Gospels, the next time we see Mary, Jesus is twelve, an important time for a young Jew.

Mary and Joseph realise he is missing and are concerned.

Jesus is with a group of learned Jewish men, listening to their teachings.

What does that say to us? Do we have times when we seek to broaden and deepen our spirituality? Or, conversely, do we get anxious when someone close to us is seeking religious information elsewhere?

I laugh at this. My own children are "seekers."

I also laugh that Jesus' first miracle was at a wedding feast, providing a great amount of wine for people who had probably had enough.

It was Mary who insisted that her son perform this first miracle at a wedding feast.

What a wonderful beginning to his ministry!

How do I celebrate the love of family and friends? Have to think about that.

There is only a brief mention of Mary in the rest of Jesus' ministry.

We next see her in what must have been the worst time of her life - her son's crucifixion.

One of the gospels places her at a distance, but in another, Jesus is talking to her from the cross. There would have been a lot of crowd noise, so she must have been close to him,

She would have felt his pain.

His agony would be hers.

We think of our own times of loss, and suffering empties us. It seems as though we, too, are dead in a tomb.

I think of loss in my own life. I'm old enough to understand that projecting blame, anger, and bitterness, keeps us stuck in the tomb.

Resurrection will come, and what is resurrected in us will be greater than what has died.

After Jesus' resurrection, there is no mention of Mary, but if your read between the lines, she was there.

Jesus appeared to Mary Magdala and his disciples. He appeared in rooms and on roads.

He cooked fish on a beach for his friends.

But where was he staying?

I think he was with his mother.

Mary's name comes up again in the Acts of the apostles. She is in the upper room at Pentecost.

Yes, Pentecost!

From the birth of her son to the birth of the Church, Mary has been an instrument of God.

We think of that this December.

Under all the layers of wrapping, this is the true Christmas gift.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

The poplar extends long, thin fingers. The oak stretches out sturdy wood, and the apple tree has knotty extensions of itself.

It's as though the tree begets its own shape again and again as it grows.

Do you think this could be a parable for our dear old Mother Church?

Are we formed in her image?

And did this image grow from the tree that held Christ Jesus??

I look at a crucifix and see the sacred beginning growing from pain and bare wood.

But Winter can also offer us other parables if we take them into prayer.

In John 15, Jesus calls himself the True Vine, while we are the branches.

I like to reflect on this.

Do we see ourselves as branches of the true vine?

If so, how is the true vine shaping us?

This is a powerful parable.

I go back to Matthew 23, where it is said:

"Jesus spoke all things in parables, and without a parable was not anything he said."

The statement is made twice, first as a positive, then as a double negative making a positive.

It is a structure used to deliver something that is very important.

The writer was saying, "Take notice of these words!"

In the Gospels. I find only two examples of this form of writing.

It's at the beginning of John where it is said of Jesus: "Through Him, all things were made, and without Him was not anything that was made."

The other, in Matthew, stresses the importance of Jesus' parables.

This brings me back to Winter, to bare trees, bare vineyards and Jesus saying, "I am the True Vine, and you are the branches."

In winter conditions, how do I, as a branch, reflect the quality of the vine?

Do I know myself as a branch that is an extension of the vine? Or do I imagine I am a growth separate from it?

If pruning comes and I am cut back, do I resent it? Or do I see it as an opportunity for greater growth?

These are hard questions, and they usually come when we are having a spiritual Winter.

But if we look around at God's creation, we see another parable, and we know the truth that Jesus knew.

Winter is not the season of dormancy and death.

It is preparation for the season of greatest growth.

In the gift of Faith, crucifixion belongs to resurrection, just as Winter is the prelude to Spring.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

They are names that reflect our adoration.

Jesus is Christ our Saviour, Redeemer, Lamb of God, Word made Flesh, Prince of Peace, Fountain of all Holiness…

Such names are deeply etched on our minds and hearts.

If someone mentions "Sacred Heart" there is immediate recognition.

The Sacred Heart of Jesus touches our own hearts in a way we cannot describe.

All we know is that our names for Jesus are touch-stones in the mystery of our Church.

But what name did Jesus claim for himself?

Scripture tells us that he called God his Father, but there was another name he claimed over and over.

It appears in the Gospels more than seventy times.

That name is ‘Son of Man.'

You can count this for yourself. It is in all four Gospels.

In my youth, I had a strong fundamentalist streak and I was bewildered by this.

Why would the Son of God call himself Son of Man?

Then I learned that the original phrase Son of Man, simply meant Human Being.

More than 70 times in the Gospels, Jesus calls himself a human being.

What does that say to us?

If the "Word made flesh" claimed his humanity this way, how can we diminish our own humanity?

How can we fail to see that this is a huge gift?

I am reminded of St Paul's words in 2 Corinthians 8:9: "For you know the generousity of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes, he became poor so that by his poverty you might become rich."

In Jesus claim of humanity, we find a depth of prayer that takes us to the God-ness of our own little souls.

Jesus' love connects us.

He is the bridge between this life and the greater reality we call God.

That bridge is very strong.

When I was a child, I was told that Jesus died for my sins.

That's a cruel thing to tell a child.

Or an adult, for that matter.

My own children were told that Jesus died so he could be everywhere at once.

That is truth, and they recognised it as such. Jesus, the Son of God, was as close as the air they breathed.

For adults like me, who have lived the full circle back to the simplicity of childhood, this is also true.

We have learned, through trial and error, that the Word was made Flesh to teach us one thing.

It is love.

A love of all creation.

A love that connects.

Love in light and love in darkness.

Love in sickness and health.

Love for the crying child in others and ourselves.

Love that dissolves all fear.

When we come close to understanding the power of love, we make sense of statements such as: "For God so loved the world…"(John 3}

We realise that love is "the way, the truth and the life " that Jesus talked about.

We also know why Jesus wanted to call himself Human Being.

It was all about love.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

That's because I can't see the road ahead, which is getting wider and suggesting new scenery. What will it demand of me?

We know we have to leave the oast. St Paul reminds us that we need to"put away childish things" but what is wrong with staying in the present?

Do we have to keep moving?

There is a pattern in my life.

I like comfort.

I like to be secure.

I'm not at all sure of the way ahead.

Maybe I can stay in one place for a while, surrounded by all that has been comfortable and familiar.

So yes, I camp on the side of the road. My excuse is that the way ahead could be dangerous. Here, I can have routines I know.

Every day is the same. Good memories. Comfortable prayers. Teachings I've always carried.

These are my furnishings.

I don't need a further journey.

I am at the side of the road for a while, so comfortable with the past; I keep telling myself this is as far as I need to go.

What's the point in going further?

Then I hear the voice.

I would recognize it anywhere.

He's here again, waiting outside my tent.

I know he won't go away. He has eternal patience.

Sometimes he carries a shepherd's crook. Sometimes he wears a crown of thorns. Always he has love.

I know have to leave comfort to follow him on the road ahead.

He will take me through rivers that will baptize me with a kind of sacred poverty.

He'll have me climb steep mountains that give a better view.

Possibly, he'll offer crucifixion and resurrection as a way of growth.

I know the way ahead will be difficult.

But I am with Him, and He is with me.

There can be no separation.

I leave the side of the road, discovering yet again that faith must be lived forwards. And I know that in spite of the difficulty, it will be marvellous beyond words.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.

There were many little hymns about this, some mentioning the mothers of Saalam who brought their children to Jesus.

Remember that?

The disciples tried to drive the children away, but Jesus rebuked his men, and gathered the children in his arms, stating, "Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

That story is important for children, especially those who feel rejected by adult authority.

Jesus was certainly our friend, and every night we began our prayer with, "Gentle Jesus, meek and mild, looks upon a little child. Pity my simplicity. Suffer me to come to thee."

However, as we grew, we discovered that Jesus could not be described as meek and mild.

He was revolutionary.

He broke foolish rules.

He condemned authority that placed burdens on people.

He sought the company of people who were social outcasts

He preached, "Love your enemies."

The child's cocoon of simple faith opened, and a relationship with Jesu made demands on us.

It brought us beyond "me-and- Jesus" comfort to "Love one another as I have loved you."

"Love your enemies. Bless those who curse you."

This is really serious stuff, not to be ignored.

A relationship with Christ Jesus meant taking on his ministry in the world.

So what is that ministry about?

Quite simply, it is about love. If what I say or do is without love, it is, as St Paul said," like the sounding of brass."

It is also about personal growth.

The wide and deep spirituality of the Catholic faith gives me all the room I need to grow in love.

It teaches that in giving love to others, we learn to love ourselves.

This is a long way from childlike understanding. In those days, as a follower of Jesus, I read the Gospels, sorting characters as "goodies" and "baddies."

Now, near the end of a long life, I see myself in them all. I am Mary and Martha, and I am Pontius Pilate.

At times I have needed healing for blindness and paralysis.

I have denied Jesus and have anointed his feet.

There have been times of betrayal, times of choosing the better part and times of turning away.

If you sit down to reflect on your life, you may see a similar pattern.

You will also see that in every experience, Jesus was there, smiling and saying. "This is what life I all about. learn from it and grow."

These days, prayer is mostly silent meditation filled with thanks: gratitude for love, gratitude for the loss that makes room for growth, and gratitude for the whole, messy, wonderful human journey.

If you have read this far, you may wish to reflect on your own prayer journey.

How has it changed since childhood?

What has Jesus taught you about your own crucifixions and resurrections?

How do you see the Grace that makes wholeness out of division?

And how do you pray now?

I must admit that now and then, after a long day, I take my old body to bed and pray, "Gentle Jesus, meek and mild, look upon a little child…"

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.
• Joy will be a director at "Remain in Me," a 6 day individually guided silent retreat
• The retreat offered by Ignatian Spirituality New Zealand

If you haven't, then here is an attempt to describe what a retreat is, and what you can expect to gain from it.

People who travel overseas know that when they return home they will be different.

That also happens spiritually when we go on a retreat.

Retreats come in all lengths - one day, two days, a week, thirty days - but each usually offers the following:

A contemplative space that takes us away from our normal work-day activity.

Some input from a retreat director or leader who invites us to go wider and deeper in our spiritual journey.

An important time of silence in which we take our reflection to the deepest level of prayer.

Safe and confidential sharing of journey.

A movement into "the peace that passes all understanding…"

As a retreat facilitator, I prefer to call a one-day retreat "A day of reflection".

In a day, we may not have the spiritual movement we would get in a retreat of a week or a month, but we usually feel refreshed and strengthened.

On the longer live-in retreat, the day usually begins with prayer and the readings of the day. We are in silence except for the time each day when we see our spiritual director.

Later in the day, there is usually a Mass.

The silence in a long retreat becomes so profoundly rich and giving that it's sometimes difficult to go back to a noisy world!

This always reminds me of Jesus, his times of prayer in a wilderness environment and how he took the result back to the people.

A retreat with Christ Jesus does that for us.

So how do we find out where our retreat centres are in Aotearoa?

The Catholic Directory is a good start.

There will be a list of retreat places in every diocese. You can phone and find out what is offered.

I'll finish this with something from an 88 year old woman who told me in a few words what a retreat is about.

At the time, I got permission from her and the group to use the quote.

There were 20 people on that day of reflection and I had given them a task. They were to write their own credo. What they believed at the moment of writing.

There were some interesting creeds, and some very like our standard creed.

But the statement that came from this elderly woman made us all sigh with pleasure.

She read: "I believe in less and less and more and more."

That's it.

It's about releasing and gaining; it's the journey of faith that happens on a retreat.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator. She will be one of several participants at "Lifting our Eyes" an Ignatian Spirituality Conference.

Those words fed me in many ways: as music for the ear, wisdom for the mind and food for the soul.

There was only one problem. The words went too fast for this new convert.

I wanted our priest would slow down so that I could better savour the breadth and depth of meaning.

I started making notes during Mass, for my own prayer times.

Lord, you are Holy indeed, the fountain of all holiness…

Lent: …help us to understand the meaning of your Son's death and resurrection and teach us to reflect it in our lives…

Pentecost: God our Father, you have given us new birth. Strengthen us with your Holy Spirit and fill us with your light…

After a while the prayers were internalised and the note-taking ceased.

I also liked most of our responses but did wonder why the female majority had to say, "for us men and our salvation…"

It was explained that the word "men" was inclusive, but I doubted that because it didn't apply to other areas in the Church.

Why didn't we simply say, "for us and our salvation."?

Occasionally, a cradle Catholic would ask jokingly, what I thought of all the talk about sin.

Well yes, there was emphasis on sin, but my response was that for me, it didn't go far enough.

Why

Because sin is our teacher.

Let's put it this way: if we were perfect we would have no room for growth.

Today we know that each of our strengths has a shadow side.

A person with high energy who is a natural leader, may at times be quick-tempered and a bully.

The peaceful, gentle person may also be lazy.

A maternal person like myself, can sometimes insist on "chicken-souping" vegetarians. We confuse mothering and smothering.

A Jungian psychologist will work with the shadow; but Jung did not discover anything new.

In the third century Church, a Desert Father ( whose name I have forgotten) used these metaphors to describe the human condition: We are part angel and part animal.

As one who has shared her life with animals, I recognise that the evil we project on a mythic being, is in other species.

It is the "me-first" impulse that comes from the primal instinct for survival. When it gets out of order, it can be very destructive.

Yet, dealing with it, brings new growth.

If I project my animal self on someone or something else. I know I am stunting my spiritual growth.

So I don't think the Church goes too far with its understanding of sin.

It doesn't go far enough.

At present, teaching about evil belongs in the era when we believed the earth was flat.

I need to recognise that t is the tension between my angelic and animal states, that brings about growth.

My sins can be messy, embarrassing, painful, but they are also my teachers.

I need to listen to what they are saying.

I'm afraid that the words of contrition in the Mass don't have much meaning for me.

The accusation is huge as is the remedy, and I am not that important.

I replace them with my own prayer which I am happy to share with others who may also feel at a distance from the set language.

Lord Jesus Christ,
I bring my sins to you.
Show me how to learn from them,
turning the darkness into light.
Amen.

• Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.